Rhiannon is a fat pig

I really am. Something has happened to me, because when I look in the mirror I no longer look slim and slender. I am big. Bigger than ever. Heavy. My face is round, and I have several sets of "handles" on my sides. My ass is enormous. I can barely squeeze into my biggest trousers.
When I walked to work earlier today I could feel all the fat on my body, my ass making huge movements. What has happened to me?

Summer is coming on fast, and I´m gonna look like this on the beach!


I feel like shit! I have to talk to my shrink about this tomorrow. Once again he will tell me that this is just an obsession. It is not real. Just a part of my illness. Yeah well, it really doesn´t matter to me that I actually still fit size Extra Small and that people tell me I´m just a tiny little person. I really do feel fat, heavy, sweaty and disgusting.

You know... the really funny thing is I think round women are lush and gorgeous. I should be happy about feeling and looking big....

This is me

Need I say more?

Pain

Getting a new dog wasn´t how I thought it would be. I thought it would be pure joy, relief and a remedy for the loss of Miss Doberman. But as soon as I decided to buy this dog I was filled with a feeling of guilt and I can´t seem to get rid of it. I miss Miss Doberman so much! She can never be replaced, and I´m not trying to replace her. I just wanna have a dog in my home.

I can´t seem to get close to Echo. My heart won´t open up to her. She is lying next to me right now, sound asleep. I can feel her warm body next to me. She is breathing heavily. Sometimes she snores. Totally relaxed. I should love her. She is a great dog. Smart and kind. Only a baby. She deserves to be loved.

So now I feel twice as guilty and ashamed.... Chandra understands how I feel. She tells me this feeling of guilt and loss will pass. I will come to love Echo and feel close to her. Everything will be all right. Wize cat.

What a day...

I have things to do both outside and inside of my home, but I haven´t done anything useful all day. I slept til noon and have watched Tim Burtons Corpse Bride three times since...



Tim Burton is amazing!

Still, I can´t say I´m proud of myself for being so lazy.
I finally got in the shower an hour ago. Showering was so exhausting I had to rest a bit when I got in my clothes. So here I am, drinking coke and eating chocolate and wondering what to watch next...

Oh my, I´m definitely gonna end up a fat old lady!

Stuart

I think I´m falling back into love with Stuart Townsend.

Lithium

Let me tell you a secret: Lithium is nothing to worry about. I don´t understand why this lovely medicine has been put down for so long. Why is it said to change people? Well, of course it changes people (that is the whole point), but in a good way. You won´t loose yourself on lithium - on the contrary. You get the chance to find yourself because it takes away both depression and mania. But in between those states are lots of healthy moods and feelings and states which people with a bipolar desease rarely have a chance to get to know.

I am on lithium now and I am getting to know myself in a different way than before. I don´t have to try to see past the depression, because the depression is not there. I am happy, but not in a manic way filled with restlessness and a need for things to happen. For the first time I feel content and calm, but I havent lost any parts of myself. Is this how "normal" people feel? Lucky them!

Weird moods

I am in such a weird mood today. I don´t know why. I feel .... just weird. Not angry or irritated, but on the verge of anger maybe. Like my body is ready for exploding at the smallest excuse. I need to fix this.

Puppy

My puppy is eating a slipper right now...