A long day

This has been a very long day! First I had an appointment with my shrink. I haven´t been there for about a month, so we had a lot of catching up to do. Instead of the usual fifty minutes, I stayed for an hour and a half. And for once "Uncle Peter" as I like to call my shrink wasn´t bursting to get me out after the first fifty minutes. After my chat with uncle Peter I had to return home to walk the dogs, then I was off to work.

Work was as usual... I really like my job. And today we ended the day with our Tuesday night knitting club. A few of us forgot the time and chatted for an hour after the club had ended for the day. All in all I´ve been away from home for twelve hours today. That´s a long time! And because I´ve been away so long I need time to "land" before I can go to sleep.

Anyway, uncle Peter and I had an interesting talk today. Among other things we tried to get to the bottom of my weird emotional life. The thing is; on the very first day of the new decennium my boyfriend told me that he is in love with me and that he loves me. He has previously insisted that he has never been in love, and that he is unable to fall in love like som sort of freak of nature. I had settled with that - he liked me, I liked him and we like to spend time together. I was perfectly fine with that. But the very moment the poor man told med he loves me I froze. Went numb. Emotionless. How unfair is that!? I should have been happy. I should feel safe, content and happy. But instead my stupid head have been thinking thoughts like "he hasn´t studied at the university so he isn´t worthy of me" or "he wants a baby and I don´t, so we have to break up sooner or later - it might as well be sooner".

But I guess my real fear is that my illness is going to ruin our relationship. So far he has only seen my sweet and rational sides. The caring mother, the hard worker, the sensual girlfriend. He hasn´t seen me lying in bed for three weeks, or yell at everyone around me for no reason, or crying for hours or even days for no reason and being lazy as hell. He hasn´t seen the hypomania side of me either - where I can get fixed on an idea and work on it day and night - weither it is getting the right pair of shoes or knitting a dress or finding the right dog on Finn.no. Weither I´m up or down doesn´t really matter, neither side of me is charming. And neither side is avoidable in the long run. It is part of who I am, but I´m sure that when my boyfriend sees all sides of me he won´t be so charmed anymore...

I just realized something about myself; I think of those Up and Down sides of me as the REAL me, and that the calm "normal" personality in between as some sort of fake personality that I desperately cling to not to show the real me. I have to think about that...