Yeah right, haha!
The thing is that my Angel and I took our fantasy almost to the limit yesterday. Before this we have both been very clear on the fact that chemistry might not be right between us IRL. We forgot all of that yesterday...
It all started early in the day, when I told him the love story of this couple I know. The first time they met he was 14 and she was his 22 year old teacher. He decided right then that she was the woman he wanted to marry. Of course nothing happened then, and years went by without them meeting, although he was her little sisters best friend. So, one day when he was 21 the two sisters were going out for a drink, and he tagged along. She was living with a girl then, beliving she had become a lesbian. Well, magic happened that night and she fell for him just as hard as he fell for her 7 years earlier. Things sped along from that night, she broke up with er girlfriend and moved in with her new love. Now they are married and have a lovely little girl. And truly, I have never ever seen a couple as happy as them.
Strange enough this romantic story didn´t make my Angel feel good. Instead he started brooding over the fact that that was not our story, and that it wasnt us that was happily married with kids. After several approaches to try cheering him up, I finally managed it when I said that I make my own destiny and it is never too late to find love.
I am not really sure how things
went from there to almost being married before we´ve even met, but I know we were by the expressions "old chickens give the best soup" and MILF (Mother(s) I´d Like to Fuck). Me being the old chicken and the MILF of course, haha! Anyways, we started toying with the idea of being married, where to have the ceremony and what to call our first child. (The ruins at Hovedøya, and if a boy Ravn, if a girl Asuka (we´ll have to discuss Asuka - I am not sure about that one.))
Talking like that felt good. It felt real somehow. Isn´t that weird? How can a make believe relationship with a guy on internet feel more real than some actual relationships I´ve had...?
Gaaah, I am turning in to mush!
Just before I logged off to get some sleep (it was five in the morning by then...) we agreed that him being an angel and me being a star - two celestial beings on this planet - we must belong together. Right?
I am going to stop now... Just one more thing. One thing that was actually very hard yesterday was seing on his face the same frustration and longing that I felt.
Oh well, five weeks to go - and counting...
Monday, August 9, 2010
I am getting married!
Self confidence boost
I was walking down the street, feeling good about myself. I had some make up on, a black long sleeved dress, a dark pink scarf over my shoulders and my golden havaianas. Nothing spectacular, but I felt good. Besides I was practicing my Goddess Walk. That means that I walk slowly, having my ovaries as a focal point, giving my hips a slow, sensual sway. This is the most natural way to walk, it gives me harmony and a sense of calm. And I have time to see what is going on around me as I walk along. Maybe that is why I noticed these two two guys in the corner of my eye, about to cross behind me. One of the guys nudged the other, pointed to me and said "she is soooo beautiful".
Well, that put a smile on my face!
And I think it proves that when you feel good about yourself, others notice it and respond by seing beauty. Also, men love swaying hips - always have, always will!
Anyway, it always feels good when someone confirms you look good when you feel so yourself.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
My Angel
While you listen to this song you can read about my latest obsession.
I am well and truly obsessed. How long I have been obsessed I am not sure about. At least one month. Maybe two. It all started when this guy sent me a friend request in facebook. He added me because he saw that I was a member of Regnskogsfondets pages on fb. For a while we only talked about the rainforest, the environment, the future of the planet and heavy stuff like that. But slowly we got more personal, started talking about our backgrounds and getting to know each other. We startet to chat on skype, with camera. I started to see the glow in his dark brown eyes. His high cheekbones. How he pressed his lips together when he was frustrated about something. And then those eyes seemed to catch fire when he looked at me. I was well and truly lost by then.
My own personal fantasy. Like the crushes I have had on James Hetfield or Johnny Depp... Only I could talk to Miguel. Beautiful Miguel Angel. My fantasy. My obsession.
Very soon after we started chatting he told me he was coming to norway, he was just waiting for his working permit. An exiting thought, but nothing concrete. Well into the future. But two weeks ago he joyfully told me he got the permit - he is coming to Norway at the end of august. That night I had a nervous breakdown...
I got over the panicky feeling after a couple of days. Now we actually have concrete plans to meet. Some days I am fine with it, some days I am NOT. The days I am fine with it is the days I feel like a very sensual goddess. The days I am not, I remember that he is only 25 and I am actually 32...
Sometimes I sort of envy Annie her Angel. He is not flesh and bone... No unbearable waiting, no silly thoughts about stupid stuff like "maybe he smells bad", "maybe he talks funny" or worse of all "maybe there is no real attraction between us"...
Oooooh, I am tormented....
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Ma Barker
I´ve suddenly got this interest in the story of Ma Barker after redescovering Boney M´s great song "Ma Baker". I remember the movie Bloody Mama from 1970. I don´t remember how old I was when I saw it, but it sure made an impression. In the movie Ma Barker was really mean and cold and a truly terrible woman. But as I´ve discovered today, her story wasn´t quite as sensational as the myth about her want us to believe. But that doesn´t matter to me as it seems the conspiracy theory goes that the FBI put a tommy gun in her dead hands to cover up their brutal killing of a more or less innocent elderly woman. Here´s a treat for ya:
Wikipedia:
Kate "Ma" Barker (October 8, 1873 – January 16, 1935) was an American criminal from the "public enemy era", when the exploits of gangs of criminals in the Midwest gripped the American people and press. Others included Bonnie and Clyde and John Dillinger.
Date of birth
Ma Barker is believed to have been born October 8, 1873, in Ash Grove, Missouri, near Springfield, and named Arizona Clark. On September 14, 1892, she married George Elias Barker in Aurora, Lawrence County, Missouri.
George Barker was the informant on Arizona Barker's amended death certificate. He gave her date of birth as October 8, 1877. The census records after 1910 aren't helpful. In 1920 Arrie appears on the Census of Stone County, Missouri, as age 45 and therefore born between January 1, 1874, and January 1, 1875. Her age at marriage (17) is also incorrect. In 1930 Arrie appears on the Census of Tulsa County, Oklahoma, as the wife of Arthur W. Dunlop. Her age is there given as 53 when she was actually 56. In these later censuses Arrie was clearly shaving a few years off of her age. It is generally the case that earlier census records are more accurate than later records because there is no reason to misreport the age of a child or young adult.
[edit] Family life
George and Arizona had four boys named Herman, Lloyd, Arthur, and Fred. George and Arrie were undoubtedly incapable parents and the boys became juvenile delinquents early on. Arrie did everything she could to protect her boys and to keep them out of jail.
Some accounts claim that George Barker was a worthless drunk, but it appears from the 1910 to 1930 censuses and the Tulsa City Directories from 1916 to 1928 that he was regularly employed. From 1916 to 1919 he worked for the Crystal Springs Water Co. In the 1920s he was variously employed as a farmer, watchman, station engineer, and clerk. George is last listed with Arrie in the 1928 Tulsa City Directory. Whether he was thrown out by Arrie, as some claim, or he left on his own accord when life with her and the family became intolerable, isn't known, but it is clear that he didn't desert his family when the boys were young.
George and Arrie's son Herman committed suicide on September 19, 1927, in Wichita, Kansas. In 1928 Lloyd was incarcerated in the federal penitentiary at Leavenworth, Kansas, Arthur was in the Oklahoma State Prison, and Fred was in the Kansas State Prison. Miriam Allen deFord, in her 1970 biography entitled The Real Ma Barker, wrote, "This was the period when George Barker gave up completely and quietly removed himself from the scene."
Though her children were undoubtedly criminals and their Barker-Karpis Gang committed a spree of robberies, kidnappings, and other crimes between 1931 and 1935, the popular image of her as the gang's leader and its criminal mastermind has been found to be fictitious.
Ma Barker certainly knew of the gang's activities, and even helped them before and after they committed their crimes. This would make her an accomplice. But there is no evidence that she was ever an active participant in any of the crimes themselves or involved in planning them. Her role was in taking care of gang members, who often sent her to the movies while they committed crimes. Alvin Karpis, the gang's second most notorious member, later said that:[1]
“ The most ridiculous story in the annals of crime is that Ma Barker was the mastermind behind the Karpis-Barker gang. . . . She wasn't a leader of criminals or even a criminal herself. There is not one police photograph of her or set of fingerprints taken while she was alive . . . she knew we were criminals but her participation in our careers was limited to one function: when we traveled together, we moved as a mother and her sons. What could look more innocent? ”
This view of Ma Barker is corroborated by notorious bank robber Harvey Bailey, who knew the Barkers well. He observed in his autobiography that Ma Barker "couldn't plan breakfast" let alone a criminal enterprise.
Many, including Karpis, have suggested that the myth was encouraged by J. Edgar Hoover[2] and his fledgling Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) to justify his agency's killing of an old lady.[3] FBI Agents discovered the hideout of Ma Barker and her son, Fred, after Arthur "Doc" Barker was arrested in Chicago on January 8, 1935. A map found in his possession indicated that the other gang members were in Ocklawaha, Florida. Agents surrounded the house on the morning of January 16, 1935. Ordered to surrender, Fred opened fire. And both he and his mother were killed by federal agents after an intense, hours-long gun-battle. According to the FBI, a Tommy gun was found lying in the hands of Ma Barker. (It is a common belief that this was a fabrication by the FBI in order to justify her violent death.[4]) Their bodies were put on public display, and then stored unclaimed, until October 1, 1935, when some relatives had them buried in Welch, Oklahoma, next to the body of Herman Barker.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Oh my!
This is what my horoscope says about my dag:
A gray presence
You will experience today a conflict between your sense of duty and discipline on one hand and your desire to enjoy yourself or relate to others on the other. If you feel emotionally cold today despite the overtures of a loved one, it is best to do nothing. You should not pretend to have emotions that you do not feel, because of a misguided sense of duty; the other person will sense this and it will only increase the hurt. Loneliness and self-pity sometimes come with this influence. You feel surrounded by bright, positive energies that you simply cannot relate to. You may feel like a gray presence among colorful people. Do not take such feelings seriously, unless you have them frequently. In general today, you may encounter aspects of yourself that you would prefer not to face.
Maybe I seriously should stay in bed like I want to...?
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Down under
So, I´m down in the basement again, full of anxiety and depression. Of course I blog about it although I have no hope that it will help in any way. I am a totally worthless fuck up. My boyfriend adores me, but he doesn´t really know me. If he did he would despise me.
I wish I could escape from everything. Everyone in my life would be better off without me.
I spend a lot of time daydreaming these days. I daydream about winning the lottery. Buying the perfect house. Decorating it. Living in it. Cooking in it. Drinking hot chocolate in front of the fire. Sitting in the garden on a summer night with a book and a glass of red wine. I daydream about my daily routine; I would keep my job because I love it. But in my daydream I am in complete harmony with everything and everyone. I am calm and happy. So calm and happy that those feelings almost rub over into my real life.
Who am I kidding? I am who I am, and I will probably never be calm and happy for more than a few days at a time. I think I´ll live inside my daydream for a bit longer...
