Tool - Sober

A difinite favourite, but kind of a distubing video though. I love Tool. I LOVE Tool!!

I´m a slightly dorky light-weight nerd!

This was the coolest test ever! :D

Oh my!

This is what my horoscope says about my dag:

A gray presence
You will experience today a conflict between your sense of duty and discipline on one hand and your desire to enjoy yourself or relate to others on the other. If you feel emotionally cold today despite the overtures of a loved one, it is best to do nothing. You should not pretend to have emotions that you do not feel, because of a misguided sense of duty; the other person will sense this and it will only increase the hurt. Loneliness and self-pity sometimes come with this influence. You feel surrounded by bright, positive energies that you simply cannot relate to. You may feel like a gray presence among colorful people. Do not take such feelings seriously, unless you have them frequently. In general today, you may encounter aspects of yourself that you would prefer not to face.

Maybe I seriously should stay in bed like I want to...?

Down under

So, I´m down in the basement again, full of anxiety and depression. Of course I blog about it although I have no hope that it will help in any way. I am a totally worthless fuck up. My boyfriend adores me, but he doesn´t really know me. If he did he would despise me.

I wish I could escape from everything. Everyone in my life would be better off without me.

I spend a lot of time daydreaming these days. I daydream about winning the lottery. Buying the perfect house. Decorating it. Living in it. Cooking in it. Drinking hot chocolate in front of the fire. Sitting in the garden on a summer night with a book and a glass of red wine. I daydream about my daily routine; I would keep my job because I love it. But in my daydream I am in complete harmony with everything and everyone. I am calm and happy. So calm and happy that those feelings almost rub over into my real life.

Who am I kidding? I am who I am, and I will probably never be calm and happy for more than a few days at a time. I think I´ll live inside my daydream for a bit longer...

Cuteness overload

Pictures here.

And videos here.

This will make your day! :D

What a week!

I am so unbelievably exhausted that I can´t even sleep. It´s a mental exhaustion that comes from two weeks living with a singing, howling, whining dog. Today I have even been babysitting my friend Annes two daugthers. The kids were great, the dog was not. Luckily the dog is going home on monday! Well, it seems that is all I have to say for now... Tired!

Unsuccessful cooking

So I made Indian food today. I followed the recipe and did extactly what it told me to. While cooking the dinner smelled wonderful. And finally it was finished and took a bite... and almost burned up, it was so spicy. Why the hell didn´t the recipe come with a warning?? I can´t eat this stuff!

I know Indian food is known for being spicy, but seeming that this was a Norwegian version I thought it was for Norwegian pallets. But no...

I called my boyfriend and told him about this lovely dish that I can´t eat. He grew up in Pakistan and was more than willing to eat the rest for me. He was quite impressed that I had made Indian food even though I can´t eat it. My sweetie. :)

And now - off to bed.

Healing

I got healing againg on thursday. This time we focused on on making different aspects of my personality work together. The other day I wrote that I feel that my Up and Down personality is something I feel I must hide. Well, on thursday the two personalities was introduced to each other. At first both were small and shy, but slowly they warmed up to each other. Finally they acknowledged each other, hugged, and melted together to one big glowing ball of love and understanding.
I put that ball to my heart and it melted into it and became part of me again - only stronger and healthier than when they were separated. It was very moving!

Since then I have been feeling like I´m running an emotional marathon. My emotions speed from angry to happy to loving to frightened to safe to extatic to irritated to .... well, you get the drift. I am SO close to exhausted right now. But at the same time this is all very exiting and I wouldn´t be without this experience. And hopefully I will be able to use the different aspects of my personality when I need them instead of them controlling me when this cool down.

And now: work! :)

Mira Mira

I am a little bit in love with Mira Craig these days. She has got the most beautiful eyes! And I like her voice too. And her waistline. And her crochet stuff.

A long day

This has been a very long day! First I had an appointment with my shrink. I haven´t been there for about a month, so we had a lot of catching up to do. Instead of the usual fifty minutes, I stayed for an hour and a half. And for once "Uncle Peter" as I like to call my shrink wasn´t bursting to get me out after the first fifty minutes. After my chat with uncle Peter I had to return home to walk the dogs, then I was off to work.

Work was as usual... I really like my job. And today we ended the day with our Tuesday night knitting club. A few of us forgot the time and chatted for an hour after the club had ended for the day. All in all I´ve been away from home for twelve hours today. That´s a long time! And because I´ve been away so long I need time to "land" before I can go to sleep.

Anyway, uncle Peter and I had an interesting talk today. Among other things we tried to get to the bottom of my weird emotional life. The thing is; on the very first day of the new decennium my boyfriend told me that he is in love with me and that he loves me. He has previously insisted that he has never been in love, and that he is unable to fall in love like som sort of freak of nature. I had settled with that - he liked me, I liked him and we like to spend time together. I was perfectly fine with that. But the very moment the poor man told med he loves me I froze. Went numb. Emotionless. How unfair is that!? I should have been happy. I should feel safe, content and happy. But instead my stupid head have been thinking thoughts like "he hasn´t studied at the university so he isn´t worthy of me" or "he wants a baby and I don´t, so we have to break up sooner or later - it might as well be sooner".

But I guess my real fear is that my illness is going to ruin our relationship. So far he has only seen my sweet and rational sides. The caring mother, the hard worker, the sensual girlfriend. He hasn´t seen me lying in bed for three weeks, or yell at everyone around me for no reason, or crying for hours or even days for no reason and being lazy as hell. He hasn´t seen the hypomania side of me either - where I can get fixed on an idea and work on it day and night - weither it is getting the right pair of shoes or knitting a dress or finding the right dog on Finn.no. Weither I´m up or down doesn´t really matter, neither side of me is charming. And neither side is avoidable in the long run. It is part of who I am, but I´m sure that when my boyfriend sees all sides of me he won´t be so charmed anymore...

I just realized something about myself; I think of those Up and Down sides of me as the REAL me, and that the calm "normal" personality in between as some sort of fake personality that I desperately cling to not to show the real me. I have to think about that...