Oh, I know dammit!

Ego energies **
During this time you should avoid rash and impulsive actions, for they will alienate others, create enemies and in the long run undermine your own interests. Your ego energies run rather high now, but in such a way that you are likely to assert yourself inappropriately. You may issue completely unnecessary challenges to the people around you. Most frequently you express this feeling as irritability, excessive impatience with others' actions, argumentativeness and general touchiness. This is a good time for getting work done, if you can control your impulsive behavior. Any task that requires sheer physical energy with little finesse or attention to detail is excellent, because it allows you to work off energy without suppressing the natural impulsiveness and exuberance of this influence.

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mars Square Mars, , exact at 15:07
activity period from 26 October 2010 to 29 October 2010



So true... :(

Eimear Quinn - The Voice

This song is sooo lovely! It makes me miss Ireland sooo much!

Prying open my third eye

My favourite song. I have heard it about seven times today, while walking to and from the train and while on the train. I have been working in Lillestrøm today at the gift- and interior fair. Annie would have loved it there. I did too, but I was working after all, and could not spend as much time as I wanted just daydreaming about how to decorate my appartment, my house, my castle, my cabin and my summer house. Yeah right. What I did was putting on and taking off next seasons alpaca experience collection. A small, but very interesting collection with hight quality. I did get the time to buy stuff for my shop though - also things Annie would love I think. Very cool purses and bags, lovely hand knitted scarves made of goat hair and lovely wool and silk wraps. Not the kind to eat.

After the fair was over and we had cleaned out all our stuff and put it trucks we went to this asian resturant. A tradition after the fair I was told, but it was my first time. The food was absolutely lovely, I fell totally in love with the duck dishes. MMmmmmm!!!

I feel so weird right now, and I don´t even know why. Spending so much time with so many people does that to me. All I want now is to go to bed and spend some time with Sookie Stackhouse. Good night!

Mr. Moody

Okay.... I had to digest this one a bit. Two days after Angel and I joked about marriage and kids and stuff, he was really moody. I think moody is most likely his middle name. We had a discussion after I jokingly called him a gigolo (come on! He lets women buy him stuff, take him places and pamper him - and he has sex with them. No matter he has only been with two girls in his life, and he sais he was in love with them, (that only kind of makes it a pattern, huh?) it makes me joke about it.). So, I thought he got the joke, but obviousle he didn´t because he kept on mentioning it for hours. (Why do I keep chatting with him for hours when I should be sleeping??) Then he started saying he only ever wanted to see me if I come to the city he is going to live in and stay in a hotel there while he stays at home. I have never ever stayed at a hotel for a man like that, and I NEVER will! Of course I said no. He said he didn´t really wanna see me at all because I had called him a gigolo and he don´t want to see people who think he is like that. And he said he was afraid I might take advantage of his lovely body if he comes to visit (I might, but that is beside the point!).
Soooo, in the end I said: whatever, you are being really silly, try getting the fact I made a joke referring to what your family members have accused you of, I am going to bed.
Then he said: did we just have our first fight?
Me: Yeah, I guess.
Him: do you wanna be with me?
Me: Whatever do you mean "be with you"?
Him: Do you wanna be my girl?
Me: Are you serious???
From there things started to get really weird and blurry.
It was seven thirty in the morning, and I had not slept at all that night (and I was up until 5 am the night before...), and I was really confused.

We have been chatting for several weeks, and he has been running hot one night and cold the other for a few of those weeks now. What the hell does he want from me? Also, he seems to forget that I am a grown woman with a lot more experience than him and he sais he is afraid he´ll break my heart. I am starting to think he is only a young, immature, intrigue making flirt. (Yeah, of course he is with his latin blood.) Mr. Moody!

Here is my message for you Mr. Moody: I outgrew hot/cold, immature, heartbreaking fellas when I broke up with my ex four years ago! I have no need or desire for it. And if anyone here is going to break any hearts, its gonna be me!

To top everything off I have seen James a couple of times the last week. I do not wanna be his girl, but seing that I am sexually starved right now (by choice, thank you very much, there are a couple of guys just waiting for me to yield to them (and why the hell can´t the girlies do that for once?)) and he has turned me on since I was fourteen, I have been working hard with myself not to jump his bones. Sexual attraction can definitely confuse a poor gal to think she has more feelings than she does.

Sookie Stackhouse is my best friend. Can you tell?

I am getting married!

Yeah right, haha!

The thing is that my Angel and I took our fantasy almost to the limit yesterday. Before this we have both been very clear on the fact that chemistry might not be right between us IRL. We forgot all of that yesterday...

It all started early in the day, when I told him the love story of this couple I know. The first time they met he was 14 and she was his 22 year old teacher. He decided right then that she was the woman he wanted to marry. Of course nothing happened then, and years went by without them meeting, although he was her little sisters best friend. So, one day when he was 21 the two sisters were going out for a drink, and he tagged along. She was living with a girl then, beliving she had become a lesbian. Well, magic happened that night and she fell for him just as hard as he fell for her 7 years earlier. Things sped along from that night, she broke up with er girlfriend and moved in with her new love. Now they are married and have a lovely little girl. And truly, I have never ever seen a couple as happy as them.

Strange enough this romantic story didn´t make my Angel feel good. Instead he started brooding over the fact that that was not our story, and that it wasnt us that was happily married with kids. After several approaches to try cheering him up, I finally managed it when I said that I make my own destiny and it is never too late to find love.

I am not really sure how things
went from there to almost being married before we´ve even met, but I know we were by the expressions "old chickens give the best soup" and MILF (Mother(s) I´d Like to Fuck). Me being the old chicken and the MILF of course, haha! Anyways, we started toying with the idea of being married, where to have the ceremony and what to call our first child. (The ruins at Hovedøya, and if a boy Ravn, if a girl Asuka (we´ll have to discuss Asuka - I am not sure about that one.))

Talking like that felt good. It felt real somehow. Isn´t that weird? How can a make believe relationship with a guy on internet feel more real than some actual relationships I´ve had...?

Gaaah, I am turning in to mush!

Just before I logged off to get some sleep (it was five in the morning by then...) we agreed that him being an angel and me being a star - two celestial beings on this planet - we must belong together. Right?

I am going to stop now... Just one more thing. One thing that was actually very hard yesterday was seing on his face the same frustration and longing that I felt.
Oh well, five weeks to go - and counting...

Self confidence boost

I was walking down the street, feeling good about myself. I had some make up on, a black long sleeved dress, a dark pink scarf over my shoulders and my golden havaianas. Nothing spectacular, but I felt good. Besides I was practicing my Goddess Walk. That means that I walk slowly, having my ovaries as a focal point, giving my hips a slow, sensual sway. This is the most natural way to walk, it gives me harmony and a sense of calm. And I have time to see what is going on around me as I walk along. Maybe that is why I noticed these two two guys in the corner of my eye, about to cross behind me. One of the guys nudged the other, pointed to me and said "she is soooo beautiful".

Well, that put a smile on my face!
And I think it proves that when you feel good about yourself, others notice it and respond by seing beauty. Also, men love swaying hips - always have, always will!

Anyway, it always feels good when someone confirms you look good when you feel so yourself.

My Angel

While you listen to this song you can read about my latest obsession.
I am well and truly obsessed. How long I have been obsessed I am not sure about. At least one month. Maybe two. It all started when this guy sent me a friend request in facebook. He added me because he saw that I was a member of Regnskogsfondets pages on fb. For a while we only talked about the rainforest, the environment, the future of the planet and heavy stuff like that. But slowly we got more personal, started talking about our backgrounds and getting to know each other. We startet to chat on skype, with camera. I started to see the glow in his dark brown eyes. His high cheekbones. How he pressed his lips together when he was frustrated about something. And then those eyes seemed to catch fire when he looked at me. I was well and truly lost by then.

My own personal fantasy. Like the crushes I have had on James Hetfield or Johnny Depp... Only I could talk to Miguel. Beautiful Miguel Angel. My fantasy. My obsession.

Very soon after we started chatting he told me he was coming to norway, he was just waiting for his working permit. An exiting thought, but nothing concrete. Well into the future. But two weeks ago he joyfully told me he got the permit - he is coming to Norway at the end of august. That night I had a nervous breakdown...

I got over the panicky feeling after a couple of days. Now we actually have concrete plans to meet. Some days I am fine with it, some days I am NOT. The days I am fine with it is the days I feel like a very sensual goddess. The days I am not, I remember that he is only 25 and I am actually 32...

Sometimes I sort of envy Annie her Angel. He is not flesh and bone... No unbearable waiting, no silly thoughts about stupid stuff like "maybe he smells bad", "maybe he talks funny" or worse of all "maybe there is no real attraction between us"...

Oooooh, I am tormented....

Ma Barker

I´ve suddenly got this interest in the story of Ma Barker after redescovering Boney M´s great song "Ma Baker". I remember the movie Bloody Mama from 1970. I don´t remember how old I was when I saw it, but it sure made an impression. In the movie Ma Barker was really mean and cold and a truly terrible woman. But as I´ve discovered today, her story wasn´t quite as sensational as the myth about her want us to believe. But that doesn´t matter to me as it seems the conspiracy theory goes that the FBI put a tommy gun in her dead hands to cover up their brutal killing of a more or less innocent elderly woman. Here´s a treat for ya:



Wikipedia:
Kate "Ma" Barker (October 8, 1873 – January 16, 1935) was an American criminal from the "public enemy era", when the exploits of gangs of criminals in the Midwest gripped the American people and press. Others included Bonnie and Clyde and John Dillinger.

Date of birth

Ma Barker is believed to have been born October 8, 1873, in Ash Grove, Missouri, near Springfield, and named Arizona Clark. On September 14, 1892, she married George Elias Barker in Aurora, Lawrence County, Missouri.

George Barker was the informant on Arizona Barker's amended death certificate. He gave her date of birth as October 8, 1877. The census records after 1910 aren't helpful. In 1920 Arrie appears on the Census of Stone County, Missouri, as age 45 and therefore born between January 1, 1874, and January 1, 1875. Her age at marriage (17) is also incorrect. In 1930 Arrie appears on the Census of Tulsa County, Oklahoma, as the wife of Arthur W. Dunlop. Her age is there given as 53 when she was actually 56. In these later censuses Arrie was clearly shaving a few years off of her age. It is generally the case that earlier census records are more accurate than later records because there is no reason to misreport the age of a child or young adult.
[edit] Family life

George and Arizona had four boys named Herman, Lloyd, Arthur, and Fred. George and Arrie were undoubtedly incapable parents and the boys became juvenile delinquents early on. Arrie did everything she could to protect her boys and to keep them out of jail.

Some accounts claim that George Barker was a worthless drunk, but it appears from the 1910 to 1930 censuses and the Tulsa City Directories from 1916 to 1928 that he was regularly employed. From 1916 to 1919 he worked for the Crystal Springs Water Co. In the 1920s he was variously employed as a farmer, watchman, station engineer, and clerk. George is last listed with Arrie in the 1928 Tulsa City Directory. Whether he was thrown out by Arrie, as some claim, or he left on his own accord when life with her and the family became intolerable, isn't known, but it is clear that he didn't desert his family when the boys were young.

George and Arrie's son Herman committed suicide on September 19, 1927, in Wichita, Kansas. In 1928 Lloyd was incarcerated in the federal penitentiary at Leavenworth, Kansas, Arthur was in the Oklahoma State Prison, and Fred was in the Kansas State Prison. Miriam Allen deFord, in her 1970 biography entitled The Real Ma Barker, wrote, "This was the period when George Barker gave up completely and quietly removed himself from the scene."

Though her children were undoubtedly criminals and their Barker-Karpis Gang committed a spree of robberies, kidnappings, and other crimes between 1931 and 1935, the popular image of her as the gang's leader and its criminal mastermind has been found to be fictitious.

Ma Barker certainly knew of the gang's activities, and even helped them before and after they committed their crimes. This would make her an accomplice. But there is no evidence that she was ever an active participant in any of the crimes themselves or involved in planning them. Her role was in taking care of gang members, who often sent her to the movies while they committed crimes. Alvin Karpis, the gang's second most notorious member, later said that:[1]
“ The most ridiculous story in the annals of crime is that Ma Barker was the mastermind behind the Karpis-Barker gang. . . . She wasn't a leader of criminals or even a criminal herself. There is not one police photograph of her or set of fingerprints taken while she was alive . . . she knew we were criminals but her participation in our careers was limited to one function: when we traveled together, we moved as a mother and her sons. What could look more innocent? ”

This view of Ma Barker is corroborated by notorious bank robber Harvey Bailey, who knew the Barkers well. He observed in his autobiography that Ma Barker "couldn't plan breakfast" let alone a criminal enterprise.

Many, including Karpis, have suggested that the myth was encouraged by J. Edgar Hoover[2] and his fledgling Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) to justify his agency's killing of an old lady.[3] FBI Agents discovered the hideout of Ma Barker and her son, Fred, after Arthur "Doc" Barker was arrested in Chicago on January 8, 1935. A map found in his possession indicated that the other gang members were in Ocklawaha, Florida. Agents surrounded the house on the morning of January 16, 1935. Ordered to surrender, Fred opened fire. And both he and his mother were killed by federal agents after an intense, hours-long gun-battle. According to the FBI, a Tommy gun was found lying in the hands of Ma Barker. (It is a common belief that this was a fabrication by the FBI in order to justify her violent death.[4]) Their bodies were put on public display, and then stored unclaimed, until October 1, 1935, when some relatives had them buried in Welch, Oklahoma, next to the body of Herman Barker.

I´m the lyrical Jesse James

The Power - Snap!

Rythm is a dancer - Snap!

Denne er like kul å danse til nå som noensinne. En klassiker!

Tool - Sober

A difinite favourite, but kind of a distubing video though. I love Tool. I LOVE Tool!!

I´m a slightly dorky light-weight nerd!

This was the coolest test ever! :D

Oh my!

This is what my horoscope says about my dag:

A gray presence
You will experience today a conflict between your sense of duty and discipline on one hand and your desire to enjoy yourself or relate to others on the other. If you feel emotionally cold today despite the overtures of a loved one, it is best to do nothing. You should not pretend to have emotions that you do not feel, because of a misguided sense of duty; the other person will sense this and it will only increase the hurt. Loneliness and self-pity sometimes come with this influence. You feel surrounded by bright, positive energies that you simply cannot relate to. You may feel like a gray presence among colorful people. Do not take such feelings seriously, unless you have them frequently. In general today, you may encounter aspects of yourself that you would prefer not to face.

Maybe I seriously should stay in bed like I want to...?

Down under

So, I´m down in the basement again, full of anxiety and depression. Of course I blog about it although I have no hope that it will help in any way. I am a totally worthless fuck up. My boyfriend adores me, but he doesn´t really know me. If he did he would despise me.

I wish I could escape from everything. Everyone in my life would be better off without me.

I spend a lot of time daydreaming these days. I daydream about winning the lottery. Buying the perfect house. Decorating it. Living in it. Cooking in it. Drinking hot chocolate in front of the fire. Sitting in the garden on a summer night with a book and a glass of red wine. I daydream about my daily routine; I would keep my job because I love it. But in my daydream I am in complete harmony with everything and everyone. I am calm and happy. So calm and happy that those feelings almost rub over into my real life.

Who am I kidding? I am who I am, and I will probably never be calm and happy for more than a few days at a time. I think I´ll live inside my daydream for a bit longer...

Cuteness overload

Pictures here.

And videos here.

This will make your day! :D

What a week!

I am so unbelievably exhausted that I can´t even sleep. It´s a mental exhaustion that comes from two weeks living with a singing, howling, whining dog. Today I have even been babysitting my friend Annes two daugthers. The kids were great, the dog was not. Luckily the dog is going home on monday! Well, it seems that is all I have to say for now... Tired!

Unsuccessful cooking

So I made Indian food today. I followed the recipe and did extactly what it told me to. While cooking the dinner smelled wonderful. And finally it was finished and took a bite... and almost burned up, it was so spicy. Why the hell didn´t the recipe come with a warning?? I can´t eat this stuff!

I know Indian food is known for being spicy, but seeming that this was a Norwegian version I thought it was for Norwegian pallets. But no...

I called my boyfriend and told him about this lovely dish that I can´t eat. He grew up in Pakistan and was more than willing to eat the rest for me. He was quite impressed that I had made Indian food even though I can´t eat it. My sweetie. :)

And now - off to bed.

Healing

I got healing againg on thursday. This time we focused on on making different aspects of my personality work together. The other day I wrote that I feel that my Up and Down personality is something I feel I must hide. Well, on thursday the two personalities was introduced to each other. At first both were small and shy, but slowly they warmed up to each other. Finally they acknowledged each other, hugged, and melted together to one big glowing ball of love and understanding.
I put that ball to my heart and it melted into it and became part of me again - only stronger and healthier than when they were separated. It was very moving!

Since then I have been feeling like I´m running an emotional marathon. My emotions speed from angry to happy to loving to frightened to safe to extatic to irritated to .... well, you get the drift. I am SO close to exhausted right now. But at the same time this is all very exiting and I wouldn´t be without this experience. And hopefully I will be able to use the different aspects of my personality when I need them instead of them controlling me when this cool down.

And now: work! :)

Mira Mira

I am a little bit in love with Mira Craig these days. She has got the most beautiful eyes! And I like her voice too. And her waistline. And her crochet stuff.

A long day

This has been a very long day! First I had an appointment with my shrink. I haven´t been there for about a month, so we had a lot of catching up to do. Instead of the usual fifty minutes, I stayed for an hour and a half. And for once "Uncle Peter" as I like to call my shrink wasn´t bursting to get me out after the first fifty minutes. After my chat with uncle Peter I had to return home to walk the dogs, then I was off to work.

Work was as usual... I really like my job. And today we ended the day with our Tuesday night knitting club. A few of us forgot the time and chatted for an hour after the club had ended for the day. All in all I´ve been away from home for twelve hours today. That´s a long time! And because I´ve been away so long I need time to "land" before I can go to sleep.

Anyway, uncle Peter and I had an interesting talk today. Among other things we tried to get to the bottom of my weird emotional life. The thing is; on the very first day of the new decennium my boyfriend told me that he is in love with me and that he loves me. He has previously insisted that he has never been in love, and that he is unable to fall in love like som sort of freak of nature. I had settled with that - he liked me, I liked him and we like to spend time together. I was perfectly fine with that. But the very moment the poor man told med he loves me I froze. Went numb. Emotionless. How unfair is that!? I should have been happy. I should feel safe, content and happy. But instead my stupid head have been thinking thoughts like "he hasn´t studied at the university so he isn´t worthy of me" or "he wants a baby and I don´t, so we have to break up sooner or later - it might as well be sooner".

But I guess my real fear is that my illness is going to ruin our relationship. So far he has only seen my sweet and rational sides. The caring mother, the hard worker, the sensual girlfriend. He hasn´t seen me lying in bed for three weeks, or yell at everyone around me for no reason, or crying for hours or even days for no reason and being lazy as hell. He hasn´t seen the hypomania side of me either - where I can get fixed on an idea and work on it day and night - weither it is getting the right pair of shoes or knitting a dress or finding the right dog on Finn.no. Weither I´m up or down doesn´t really matter, neither side of me is charming. And neither side is avoidable in the long run. It is part of who I am, but I´m sure that when my boyfriend sees all sides of me he won´t be so charmed anymore...

I just realized something about myself; I think of those Up and Down sides of me as the REAL me, and that the calm "normal" personality in between as some sort of fake personality that I desperately cling to not to show the real me. I have to think about that...

Genius!

The sun is shining today

When I woke up this morning the sun was shining through the curtains and I immediately felt much better than I did yesterday. :)

I chatted with my sister in law for a long time yesterday. She has a friend with a pregnant doberman, and they have asked me if I am interested in one of the puppies. Well, of course I am! There is probably nothing I want more than my very own Doberman! But for once I am trying to think with my head and not my heart. Not easy!

Anyway, a young blue doberman girl is moving in here tomorrow. Only for two weeks though. I offered to take care of her while her owner is in the hospital. Hopefully those two weeks will convince me once and for all that two dogs is way too much for me. I must admit that I´m not looking forward to having the dog here. She is a nervous little thing and she howls to all kinds of sounds from the TV and absolutely all music. So we might just get a very quiet few weeks. Or a very noisy couple of weeks.

Oh well, I think it´s just about time to walk my own little doggy.

New face

That´s better! I like this template. :D

Happy new year!

I don´t feel too good...
It´s a new year and stuff, and I feel like an old boot that should be thrown out.
I don´t feel fresh and new. I feel pessimistic. Fat again. Stupid. Sloppy. Lazy. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

I try to focus on the good things in my life. My daughter, my pets, my great job. I even have a boyfriend that for some reason loves me. Only, this isn´t enough for me. wanna run away. Put on my shoes, start walking and never stop. Never ever stop.